It's like God shit irony all over that family
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
