1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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