remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize