Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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