Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
