Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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