He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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