They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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