Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
