Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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