I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
