i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
