Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
