I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
