He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My feet surprised me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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