At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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