Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
