Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
