hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
