I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
