Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
