Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
