you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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