how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
