If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
