Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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