just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
