I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
