i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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