I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
