That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
