by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
