Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
