It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
