Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
