I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
