my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
