just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
