we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize