tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
