Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
