I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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