I love black thongs
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
