I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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