just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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