weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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