A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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