Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
