I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
