took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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