The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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