i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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