I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
