Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
