bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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