I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
