The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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