Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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