got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
