Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
